Guilt ... Resentment ... repeat

that's right--Guilt: feelings of culpability or from a sense of inadequacy. i didn't used to describe what i'm thinking, what i'm feeling, as such, but now i can't think of anything better.

Guilty and responsible.

Not for everything, mind you ... i'm not so self-centered to think that i can have that kind of impact. But somehow ... somehow it all doesn't seem fair. A glimmer of hope comes for me, a glance at my purple sky, from that handful of people who make tomorrow worth waiting for. Why did God grant me such a glimmer? What did i do to deserve such a thing? What did i do that They didn't, or You?

nothing. it's not fair.

But it doesn't stop there. A part of me feels guilty--yes, guilty--because i know i don't deserve this. 'What this, amanda?' All of it ... i don't deserve any of it. i've not done anything to be worthy of anything i have, material or otherwise. But the other part of me isn't satisfied with that glimmer, that glance, which of course ushers in that much more resentment because i'm being selfish ...

... i'm so selfish, and it's a vicious cycle i can't seem to be free of.