God, why THEM?

It's getting late, and i feel as though i'm lacking sleep and as a consequence, coherence--so excuse, if you will, any randomness, mistyping, or grammatical error that comes from this bit. I won't back track to read what i've typed until another day, so this will likely be an extremely raw post.

It's times like these when i want to take advantage of this little piece of blog that has been designated as 'my territory.' It is also, however, times like these when i can't make enough sense of myself to articulate my thoughts. My thoughts are so scattered, my emotions all tense. i can't decide whether i'm finally opening my eyes and seeing life clearly, or if i'm developing an entirely new branch of naivette.

Then again, can anything be seen clearly? Honestly. Everything is tainted in the world--in our lives. Nothing is clear cut anymore. Some would like to think it is--so let them. Let them live through their rose coloured glasses, and let me live through truth. Truth is that purity doesn't exist. Clouded by the muck of life, of experience, of perceptions, of people--truth is one more lie. One more twist. But think about it--what would the world do if everyone were purely truthful? i can't even begin to imagine it. What we really want is for people to EITHER be honest, or lie well enough that they can make us believe they're honest. That's politics, kid. Straight up politics. And it happens everyday in our busy little lives.

Moving on ... for i fear if i stay on one topic too long i'll start ranting about something which i haven't fully thought through. Speaking of which, i was reading my previous post "selfish." and noticed that i wasn't making much sense that night. i created a circular argument. But it is not, in fact, appreciation i lack. Although, i cannot make sense of what it is that i'm looking for, or what i want.

What i want more than anything ... is for the pain to stop. Not my pain, but their pain.

Now, should you have happened across this little babbling of mine and you read this as though i'm screaming for attention, stop reading now. Heaven knows if there were a "private entry" button i'd probably click it for this entry. If i didn't feel so lost, i'd just say forget it, and not publish it at all. But i can't. I can't brush this one off--it's been gnawing at me for too long now, constantly demanding my notice. And i just wish i could take all of the pain for them. if only for one day--but i'd be willing to live through ALL of their agony. It would be worth it, to see them happy.

But the pain--i see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices, feel it in their lives. They don't deserve it. Not any of it. So why them? God, why them? Any, quote unquote, 'religious' individual would start smothering me in scripture at that question, of course. Good grief--i could probably spit it out just as fast as anyone else. You know why? Because i've searched, i am searching for that answer. i'm not entirely sure the question can be answered by anyone but God, himself--but should anyone stop and consider it, it still doesn't seem fair ...

She starves and struggles in a limbo between life and death.

He watches her starve through his grief, because there is nothing more he can do--striving to make her as comfortable as he can.

She sits at home, alone, wondering how the next bill will be met--all the while feeling guilty because she is not able to contribute.

He carries the weight of world on his shoulders--the world keeps shoving burdens his way.

They support their son in every way they can, but he turns his back to them, because they aren't his vision of perfection.

Some pain seems simple until you endure it yourself. But none of them deserve to endure this kind of pain.