[for the record.]

quiet.

i'm perfectly isolated for the first time in ages. no phone calls, no doorbells, nothing. not that i mind those things--infact, for the record, i'm happy to hear them every now and again. i like knowing i can help--even if i'm not directly affecting final outcomes, i can ease the process a bit. but sometimes you just need to back up, let someone else take care of you. you need to escape.

this is me escaping. creating words on the white, while the black blinking line proves my place on a page. my place. beyond that line where am i? where am i supposed to be, and why do i care about where i am now, when i won't be there in another five minutes? everyone seems to want to know... i don't know that we have the time to reflect on such things, everything happens so quickly.

it's all too fast, the world is spinning and none can stop it. we've tried for years, in great numbers with great strength, to hold our own as we are, here. help him get back on his feet, talk her through her problems, show them there's something better out there, and struggle night and day with making the right decisions for ourselves. our circles, seem to be constricting, when they should be getting larger. everyone is becoming so focused on one thing or another..suffocatingly so.

suffocating. breathe. that's what She tells me on days like today--when we're overwhelmed with work, unsure where to start. days when we're envious of the earth, as it must be enjoying the best weather we've seen in weeks, while we sit indoors typing away to prove our intelligence to the higher beings of institutions and universities, only to be rewarded with a scrap of paper after four, five, or more years of this monotonous activity. we get so wrapped up in the play-by-play, one.step.at.a.time lifestyle [because trying to survive otherwise would result in a slow, painful death]. we miss the blue-skied afternoon of watching clouds and blowing bubbles, and golden evenings with a bottle of wine and sounds of laughter wafting through the house. we forget to dance. we smile, but forget what the smiles on their faces mean. look at them, remember them, and cherish them.

cherish difference. it all comes down to what you believe in. you'll fight harder than you ever thought you could to ensure its survival. be it life, community, freedom, god, love, friendship, the toothfairy, or eternity--we all believe in something. oftentimes something different from the guy sitting to your left with worn out jeans, sunglasses, and a cigarette in hand. so what? let him fight for something you're not. otherwise we end up in endless cyclical arguments of importance and non-importance. better or worse. apples and oranges.

my mother bought these oranges once--we cut them open, and to her dismay they had the red pulp of a grapefruit. i like grapefruit, so i tried a bit...to my dismay it tasted like a very sweet orange! not all was lost--we realized she had bought 'sweet red oranges', which i'd never heard of. for the record, they tasted fantastic so long as you weren't expecting grapefruit. grapefruit juice is amazing, by the way. amazing is a transitive property, to be applied to anyone who buys said grapefruit juice, as well.

i wonder if anyone buys this piece of rambling. pieces of hope--of dreams. for you. and us, more importantly. i want things for you. things that i've had, and things i haven't. i want to know tomorrow will be better, because of something we did today. you're suffering through the same things i am. not simultaneously, perhaps, just offset a bit. we're all here together, in circles, watching the swirling colours and sounds. and i want to help when i can, because that's what i'm here for, because you'd do the same, and because, to one extent or another, i do [for the record] love you.