what's that you say?


even among the rustling of the leaves, all i can hear is questions. And not my questions ... Yours, and Theirs. i want my OWN questions.


'what do you want??' 'Why don't you just make up your mind?' 'How could you possibly take that road?? No one else wants you there--how could you be so self-serving?' 'You don't want to do that.. you're just, confused, or haven't thought through this.' 'You need to make a choice, but it had better be the right choice.' Why, amanda? Why, and when ... when will you decide the paths you'll take tomorrow?


right choice? That would clearly be a matter of opinion and circumstance. And the rest of my life ... i AM deciding on those paths ... i can't stop considering what might happen should i turn this way, or that. i won't stop wondering what could happen should i go down this curiously dark, side pathway. i have a question for you..when did you stop wondering? When did you stop asking for yourself? Let me live my life, if you don't mind--ah, scratch that. Because i know you do mind.

And another thing--confused you say? What gave you the right, any of you the right to tell ME what i feel?? Now don't get me wrong, i'll take your advice to heart, even welcome your advice. But don't dare pretend to have stepped into my shoes, waltzed around in my life and my mind, when you haven't even followed my footsteps into the night.

It doesn't matter, though. She was right--some of the anger and aggravation has receded, at least for now. But there's nothing to take its place. Which, i must admit, is alright for the time being. Makes life easier. i used to think it would be a negative point--shoving things to the side, or under a rug. But not now. It's almost engrained in my nature, i think. One of the few things i solidly understand in myself ... an intrinsic ability to compartmentalise.



when i was a child i caught a fleeting glimpse
out of the corner of my eye.
i turned to look but it was gone.
i cannot put my finger on it now--
the child is grown, the dream is gone.
i have become... comfortably numb.

~pf



why can't i win?