the Moonlight shows Us for what We really are

Just a note ... when i finished this post i realized i may have rambled a bit, and considered apologizing for it. But i won't--this is my blog, my post, my rambling ... judge it as you will, but this is one thing in my life that i can claim as completely mine. And i can do this without feeling guilty in the least. Thank God for small victories.



Look! The moonlight shows us for what we really are. We are not among the living, and so we cannot die, but neither are we dead. For too long i've been parched with thirst and unable to quench it. Too long i've been starving to death and haven't died. I feel nothing ... not the wind on my face nor the spray of the sea, nor the warmth of a woman's flesh.
...
Wherever we want to go, we'll go. That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails--that's what a ship needs, but what a ship is ... what the Black Pearl really is ... is Freedom.



it comes to be that you must stand in the moonlight, then, in search of yourself ... of what you really are. In the moonlight, among the shadows, once again. Why do i insist on standing alone with the night? The enveloping darkness weighs heavily on my shoulders, yet i can't feel it--its weight. And as i look around, i notice no one. At any other time, i would feel the loneliness and wish for companions, but not now. i do wish for companionship ... but i can't remember ... the concept of 'companion' is in the distance. i hear it whispering, but can't make out the words. i hear a hum of a familiar song, but can't place the tune.

While the shadows seem insufficient, they are here--faint reminders of what i've been, how i changed, and how i'm forgetting. i reach out to touch the edge of the Shadow, to grasp whatever it is that i'm losing sight of ... and with every step to the edge, the Shadow moves with me ... as shadows tend to do ... and i never am able to reach it. i can't reach far enough, never will be able to, but can't give up. Perhaps the Shadow will shorten in some other bit of light ...

'Neath the halo of a street lamp

black. i've wandered from all lights ... even the moonlight is dim and hidden. i can't see myself for what i am. Nor can i find Home. why can't i find Freedom? why can't i feel.

wherever i want to go, i'll go ... somehow, once i discover what i want. And Black Pearl--i gaze intently at the horizon, waiting for You to rise with the waves of the Sea. Freedom? the darkness also hides the murderer ... i can't see whatever is making me lose the edge of the shadow. i can't feel it either. i don't know what i am anymore ... but i don't know what i'm not.