The storm subsides.

The storm has subsided. Now all that's left is the massive debris cluttering my life for the time being. My grandmother is gone, the family has all returned to their lives, my friends are all enjoying spring break, and i am to be content. i'm sure this bit of blog is going to be out of form ... which makes me a little uncomfortable--i half expect blogger to have a pop-up message declaring 'This entry is inconsistent with the style of your blog as a whole.' i suppose this will be another lesson in tolerance.

i thank God for my grandmother's passing before the break, i don't know if i could have handled it much better without some time off from responsibility. Seeing my family was amazing--they came from all over Georgia, Texas, Illinois, Ohio, Florida. I fell in love with them all over again. i've never cared for visitation, though. i always feel trapped--you can't leave, but you don't sit and talk to any one person for more than five minutes at a time, so you're constantly caught up in this whirlpool of exhausted energy. And i always feel clausterphobic when i have to talk to so many different people. But i love them all and i'm glad for the opportunity to see them. At the same time, i'd love nothing more right now than to press pause, curl up with a hot cup of chai (yes, REAL chai), and sit quietly listening to whatever music happens to pop up on winamp set for random play, perhaps followed promptly by this 'random walk' business, which i've become so dependent upon for a slice of sanity. Then again ... what is sanity, anyway? A question to be explored ...

i'm glad she's gone, for her sake. Logically i realize this is best for her--i find solace in knowing my grandmother will have to endure no more suffering or pain. But i've been watching my grandfather this week, and i wonder how his life is changing, and how he is changing. Because he is, in fact, changing.

It's not fair--this gives 'life's not fair' a whole new meaning. They'd been through everything together--54 years. They saw the birth of four children and six grandchildren. They supported each other through the loss of friends, brothers, sisters, parents, and a child. Between the two of them, my grandparents could do practically anything--and when they found something they couldn't do, one of them would learn how. They had their share of arguments and disagreements, just like anyone else. But they were beautiful--when one needed support, you'd think the world had stopped turning for the both of them. They breathed for each other--for each other and God. I've never known any other two people to live so perfectly. And they shared their love with everyone around them. They glowed when they were together.

But now 'they' have disolved to 'he' by way of natural order--just because this is God's will, and the way 'things were meant to be'. Now he has to decide how to put a puzzle together with a piece missing. A big piece--the one that goes in the very middle and makes all the other pieces make sense. Of all the things that i hate, i hate to see him so miserable. He knows he can't live like this, but right now he doesn't know how else to live. He's never had to come home to an empty house he knows will stay empty. He's never had to lie in his bed knowing the spot next to him will stay cold. Everything is changing for him--i see it. And i can't help him.

Knowing i can't help him puts me at a loss--a loss for words and direction. As aggravating as that is, all i can do is pray and beg God to give him peace.

And so here i pray for his peace, or whatever peace he can find. God knows he deserves it.